Cancer

I to this day can't talk about cancer. I can't even hear about because it brings back last year for me. I see it on tv and I start to cry. I feel the pain all over again when someone asks me how's my family doing or some ppl even have the nerve to ask me if I'm the mother to the baby who died of cancer. My chest starts to burn and my eyes start to water. I'm still not ready to talk about it with ppl or even with family. I went to visit Ryder a few days ago for the first time since the funeral. I sat there in the grass and cried for hours. I keep thinking in my head why us? Why did the Lord put us threw that? Why my Aunt Tommie......why why why? Cancer brings me to so many questions but always leaves with no answers. Ryder was so young when we found out he had cancer that it shocked our family. You hear on tv about these ppl who lose there kids or there familys to cancer and you think wow I don't know how I'd deal with that....or you look at it and you think that would never happen to our family. When it did happen to us I kept thinking could this be a bad dream? No it was all reality. Ryder seemed to be getting better and we all seemed to be getting back to what others would say was "normal". Ryder was the strongest person I'd ever met. So small but yet so strong. He hardly ever cried. He spent most of his time getting poked by kneedles and always taking medicine and yet he didn't mind. He would always smile and kick his long legs. Everything seemed to be going good. We found out the hard way that cancer can play tricks on you. I remember that day....Ryders feeding tube got pulled out at home when he was playing. My aunt rushed him into the hospital and they decided to try a new method with him a different tube. They explained to my aunt how it would work and that its better for him. My aunt said ok and they took Ryder and the next time we saw him he had a new little tube. Maybe about a 2 weeks after that our little fighter was getting tired. The doctors informed us that he only had a week with us. That week seemed to fly by. I feel like I didn't get to hold him enough or kiss him enough. Why did he have to go? Why did cancer have to effect him? When Ryder finally left that's when the tears and questions started to come. The questions that had no answers. The questions I dare not ask any of my family. The questions I couldn't ask because I'd start bawling. I had a dream about Ryder last night. He was standin in a dark room waving. Waving and smiling his beautiful little smile. I forgot he had dimples. He smiled and waved and walked off........I don't know what to say about my dream. Maybe that was his way of telling me goodbye and he was ok. Stop worring about me because I'm fine.
I'm happy he came to see me but I still don't feel ready to talk about anything. Writing about something and actually talking about it are two different things. I feel a little better writing about and getting it off my chest.
Will I ever be ok to talk about cancer? Will I ever be able to say the word with out bursting into tears? Will the pain ever stop when someone speaks about it? Maybe someday I will, but right now I'm just not ready.