The Lord WOrks in Mysterious ways....

I have to say with the way this year started out i didnt think it could get any better. I thought I was going down hill and didnt have any breaks to stop or slow myself down. I did a lot of praying and soul searching and i finally feel at peace with myself. I was always finding things wrong with the way i was living or the situations i was in and never looking at the good parts. It made me unhappy and depressed. I decided that I needed to be happy with what i had and the place i was in or I'd never enjoy life and always be unhappy. Thank the Lord for guideing me in the right direction. I may not go to church every Sunday, but that doesnt mean that i dont believe in God or know what he stands for. I love the lord and believe in him 100%. Everything happens for a reason, wether we learn something from it or not is our own thing.
Right now i have a good job, heathly baby girl and a good thing going. Time to put the negative behind me and look for the positive. I'm not sure what the future has in store for me, but i cant wait to find out!!!
LIFE IS GOOD. GOD IS GREAT!

Rock a By and Goodnight

Being a mother to a one year old...17 month old to be exact...you have to have some ground rules. Now I always told myself my kids would have a bedtime but I'd never be that parent that makes her child go to bed while the suns still out. Making her close the blinds and lay down while its still bright in the room. Well my daughter has been waking up extra early lately. Let's say around 7is, sometimes 8 :/
I'm not much of an early bird so I'm freaking out about this. I only get to sleep in on the weekends so I try to take advantage of this as much as I can. So when my little angel turns around and starts calling "mom" I rub my eyes and look at the clock. Its ruff.
Anyway my daughter has put herself on a new schedule. Around 7 o'clock she starts to rub her eyes and whine because she is ready to do our daily time to get ready for night night routine. Take a bath, brush teeth (even though she only has 6 we don't want them to get ugly :)), pj's, then lay down and watch some tv till we fall asleep. So its around 8 to 8:30 when Elena closes her eyes for the night.
This afternoon when we are doing our now EARLY routin and getting settled into bed I turn on the tv and lay there for a while...I close the blinds and start to notice there still is some light outside. The sun is still up! What is going on!!
Have I become the mom I never wanted to be!!??!! Should I try to keep Elena up a little longer or just let her schedule just roll on??
I think I shall let her schedule roll and see how it does. She's only going to bed an hour earlyer than usual. The upside is that I do get to see her in the morning before work and I'm not staying up late anymore. So I'm not moody and grumpy because lack of sleep.
I guess its not so bad :)

Cancer

I to this day can't talk about cancer. I can't even hear about because it brings back last year for me. I see it on tv and I start to cry. I feel the pain all over again when someone asks me how's my family doing or some ppl even have the nerve to ask me if I'm the mother to the baby who died of cancer. My chest starts to burn and my eyes start to water. I'm still not ready to talk about it with ppl or even with family. I went to visit Ryder a few days ago for the first time since the funeral. I sat there in the grass and cried for hours. I keep thinking in my head why us? Why did the Lord put us threw that? Why my Aunt Tommie......why why why? Cancer brings me to so many questions but always leaves with no answers. Ryder was so young when we found out he had cancer that it shocked our family. You hear on tv about these ppl who lose there kids or there familys to cancer and you think wow I don't know how I'd deal with that....or you look at it and you think that would never happen to our family. When it did happen to us I kept thinking could this be a bad dream? No it was all reality. Ryder seemed to be getting better and we all seemed to be getting back to what others would say was "normal". Ryder was the strongest person I'd ever met. So small but yet so strong. He hardly ever cried. He spent most of his time getting poked by kneedles and always taking medicine and yet he didn't mind. He would always smile and kick his long legs. Everything seemed to be going good. We found out the hard way that cancer can play tricks on you. I remember that day....Ryders feeding tube got pulled out at home when he was playing. My aunt rushed him into the hospital and they decided to try a new method with him a different tube. They explained to my aunt how it would work and that its better for him. My aunt said ok and they took Ryder and the next time we saw him he had a new little tube. Maybe about a 2 weeks after that our little fighter was getting tired. The doctors informed us that he only had a week with us. That week seemed to fly by. I feel like I didn't get to hold him enough or kiss him enough. Why did he have to go? Why did cancer have to effect him? When Ryder finally left that's when the tears and questions started to come. The questions that had no answers. The questions I dare not ask any of my family. The questions I couldn't ask because I'd start bawling. I had a dream about Ryder last night. He was standin in a dark room waving. Waving and smiling his beautiful little smile. I forgot he had dimples. He smiled and waved and walked off........I don't know what to say about my dream. Maybe that was his way of telling me goodbye and he was ok. Stop worring about me because I'm fine.
I'm happy he came to see me but I still don't feel ready to talk about anything. Writing about something and actually talking about it are two different things. I feel a little better writing about and getting it off my chest.
Will I ever be ok to talk about cancer? Will I ever be able to say the word with out bursting into tears? Will the pain ever stop when someone speaks about it? Maybe someday I will, but right now I'm just not ready.

New Places, New Faces

I decided that I needed a new job. A job where I worked full time and its Monday thru Friday so I have weekends to do family things or focus on my Elena. I feel like I'm not home enough with her and she's growing so big so fast! Well I took action on finding that new job and I was determined. I must of made an impression at the place I picked beacuse I got hired right away :)! I picked a good place to because I love it! I got hired at a daycare. A daycare where everyones nice and so far everyone seems to love there jobs. Its a great place. I was so nervous starting out some where new because at my other job I started out with most of the ppl there so no one knew anyone. It has been my comfort zone. I'm jumping in at the daycare at the end of the year and everyones worked here for years or pretty much knows everyone so its a little bit nerv recking coming in. Tomorrow will be a week for me. I've made it threw a week! Its not so bad though. The children are great and I know most of the ladys that I work with!! I think that I over analize things because everyones so nice and welcoming. I don't know why I was so nervous. I think that this is going to be a good place for me :)

Love your Church

Every Sunday my baby girl Elena and I get up eat breakfast and get ready to join my grandmother at church. Now I've been going to the same church since I can remember, and I have an awesome memory. Well I think its time for a change. I feel like this church isn't for me anymore.I will explain why I feel this way. For some reason and I prob should know this but every so often we get a new Father to run our church. We have had the current Father of the church for a good while now and as the Sundays go on he's getting ruder and ruder. I thought when you go church its suppose to be a comfortable and welcoming place to hear about the Lord. I feel like when I go I can't be comfortable and everyones so judgemental at our church.An older Lady that sometimes helps give out bread or wine just sits there looking around and if you do anything wrong she tells the Father and he announces to the church in a rude way that you do not do that! We have a crying room and another big room at our church and I think its a great idea. I of course sit in the crying room so just incase Elena crys or screams it won't disturb anyone who is trying to lisin to the mass. Now you would think if your sitting in the crying room that you would know your not going to get to hear the whole mass because your surronded by children. This older women sits in there one Sunday and starts talking to the children very ugly because she can't hear what's going on. I didn't think that's right. First off your at church so you shouldn't be talking to anyone ugly and especially not a child. I just don't think you should be ugly to people at church. Everyones there for the same reason. To hear and rejoice the Lord! When my baby cousin Ryder was very sick and only had a week to live my Aunt wanted him to be blessed with the catholic church. Ryder couldn't leave the house because of all the germs so when he needed something we brought it to him. We went to the Father of our church that we go to and told him what was going on and that we would love for him to please bless our loved baby Ryder. He refused to do it! He wasn't going to bless someone who had never stepped foot in his church. Why did we except the Lord in his life now? Just because he was dieing. No! He made us leave and shut the door. That was my first turning point. It broke my heart when he said no. Another thought that I can't get out of my head and I think about often happend during a church function. Every so often our church has a funraiser where they sale food. We all sit outside and eat and let the children run around. All is welcome said the ladys who were in charge and helping out. My mother and I were sitting at a table when this homeless man walked up and said hello. He told us that he was hungry and hadn't eaten in days and loved our church. He knew that this fundraiser was going on to raise money because he reads our flyers and when everyone has gone home he goes inside and reads the sermen from that day alone then praise to the lord and leaves. He didn't have any money but was wondering if we thought he could have some of the food we were giving out. We told him of course that for him to go sit down and we would get one of the ladys to bring him something. I went up to the table where the ladys were putting things up and told one of them what was going on and if I could have a plate for the man who was basically a member of our church. This women who goes to church every Sunday, who is suppose to help other and never turn down someone in need turned around and told me No we don't have anything extra. Everyone had started to leave and there was a whole table of food left. I just wanted to cry. I didn't know what to do or say. I asked who was in charge and decided to go to her and tell her what was going and see if she had some better news for me. The Lady in charge who I knew really well smiled at me and gave me a piece of cake, 4 sandwiches and 2 bottles of water. She told me if he needed anything else just to ask. The man was very gratful and seeing him smile made me feel so sad. I wasn't sad for the man but sad that someone from our church would turn someone down like that and be so ugly to someone in need. What I'm trying to get at here is this church that I have gone to my whole life basically doesn't make me feel good. Joel Olsteen says you should love your church and be comfortable there and if your not you should go find a church that makes you feel good! Makes you feel like you belong even if its outside your religion. I want to find that church where I fit in. That church that I can say Wow I'm proud to be a member here. A church where I can be proud to raise my daughter in. But now comes the hard part. How do you find a good church for you? How do you know how to search for this church? Anyone have any ideas....or know of a good church? This is where I am stuck. Where I am lost and don't know how or where to start. I sit at home on sunday nights and watch Joel Olsteens sermen and smile and wish I could find a church like his. Everything he says you can relate to and understand. I'm not giving up hope. Elena and I will find our comfortable, welcoming church soon.....

Lent

Every year when your catholic you go threw a process where you give up something for Lent. 40 days and 40 nights is how long it lasts. I thought hard about it this year. I was going to give up something I really loved this year so I thought long and hard and decided that I was going to give up soda. My one source of caffeine, the love of my life. Threw the whole process I never noticed how many ppl drink so much soda!! It drove me crazy!! I almost slipt once but I held stronge and said nnooo soda!! Yesturday being Easter ment Lent was over and you could have whatever you gave up. Yay for me! I couldn't wait to get a huge soda and drink it all!! I thought since I hadn't had it in so long that when I took my first drink it would just be amazing! My taste buds would just dance. My headakes would finally go away and my love for caffeine would just complete me again! I woke up Easter morning got dressed and went to Walmart and bought a 12 pack of Dr Pepper. I couldn't wait to get home and end my headake that lasted for weeks. Finally have my caffeine that helps me threw the day.( Also just a note I know there's caffeine in tea but I don't like tea yuk!) I got home poored me a glass with ice and took my first drink. Now I wasn't expecting firewrks or anything but I thought it would be the best drink ever!! It was the same :/ but I can say that my headakes stopped and so did my mood swings! Sso watch out ppl I'm back :)